Top 5 Best Videogame Hairdos

Top 5 Best Videogame Hairdos

This is my list of the 5 best videogame character hairdos, and by best, I mean worst. These characters’ locks are disturbingly awful and just plain ugly. Let’s check it out.

5. Hayden Tenno (Dark Sector)

Hayden Tenno is a CIA operative with nothing to lose… err, an insensitivity to pain and a really badass arm. Sounds like a really awesome dude, right? There’s just one problem. He’s got some really, really shitty hair. The developers’ attempt at the modern “messy hair” just ends up looking like a bowl cut that went through a wind tunnel. Combine that with Tenno’s wide face and you’ve got a recipe for what looks like a cross between an emo kid and a frat boy. I think somewhere along the line, the developers realized their mistake, and instead of mangling the 3d modeler and tossing him out a window, they had Hayden gain a alien helmet instead. Good job, lazy devs. Generic backstory and stupid hair aside, Dark Sector is a good game, so I would recommend it as the PS3 alternative to Gears of War.

4. Philip Clyde (Army of Two)

Yes, you see that right. Clyde is sporting a Mohawk. Not just any Mohawk though. He’s got a bona-fide fading Mohawk. Not only does he look like one of those douchebags who beat the shit out of you in high school, but he also has the giant Mohawk spike. Let me explain:

REAL MAN’S MOHAWK

See Clyde’s ‘hawk? Not as awesome as Mr. T’s, is it? I think I’m done here.

3. Zack (Dead or Alive)

Screen from movie; I cannot find a game shot

For some reason, Zack had a tendency to look like a cross between Dennis Rodman and Zangief from Street Fighter. His green beard/ Green Mohawk had the effect of Al Gore: Making you laugh uncontrollably. Apparently, the developers purposely based his appearance on Rodman, however, they seemed to have forgotten to include a wedding dress costume. To add further embarrassment, Rodman actually voiced Zack in DoA: Extreme Beach Volleyball. I guess he was vaguely impressed by the effeminate and flashy Zack and decided to become more involved. What follows, no one knows, but hell, maybe that wedding dress will show up someday.

2. Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

The mullet was a big trend in the 80’s. For some reason, Billy Ray Cyrus had enough clout to convince a generation that wearing short hair that fades into a long tail is cool. Cut to the 90’s. The mullet is no longer cool, except in Kentucky and certain Nascar events. Meanwhile, Hideo Kojima is thinking of ways to make his new game’s character, Solid Snake, stand out. I can only imagine that the conversation with himself went something like this:

Kojima: “Damn, Solid Snake needs a defining feature…”

He looks over and quickly spots a Southern gentleman roaring by in his ‘78 Camaro, sporting the Kentucky Waterfall. This is quickly becomes the defining moment for him and he outfits Snake with an ubermullet.

Yes, an ubermullet. Better yet, an übermullet.

Snake may be one of the ultimate gaming badasses, but seriously, where did the mullet come from? Anyone?

1. You (Real Life)

Yes, you, humble gamer. As we all know, pulling all-nighters has an odd effect on your hair. It seems to take a mangy life of it’s own, greasy and nappy. It’s happened to your editor plenty of times before; waking up to a head of Medusa-like snakes. This is only pushed farther in the week of a new release. GTA4, Mass Effect, Halo. I’m sure after each one, the hair of the average gamer looked closer to brown seaweed than it did strands of hair. You pretty much turn from nice looking into this:

You look vaguely like an aged Metallica fan with too much rogain on his head. But then again, maybe it’s just cause it’s John Romero.