On Writing

Whoooo-eee. It’s been awhile. Suddenly, writing has become a topic of interest to me, so I have decided to write something out. Keep in mind that anything I wrote before was written when I was a small child, and now, as a big strong manly man, I am ready to write strong, somewhat politically charged articles. To quote Shakespeare, which all the important people do, “Once more my friends, into the breach!”

See, to them, you’re just a freak… like me!

I don’t even think I have to write a review here. The Dark Knight was mind-blowing, disturbing, funny, amazing, and overall my favorite movie of 2008 (Yeah, I know the year isn’t over, but I don’t care!). Everyone delivered as usual, but Heath Ledger. Oh, Heath Ledger. All the little mannerisms, the voice, the walk. Perfect. I can’t say it enough. Give him an Oscar. If Jack Nicholson could be nominated for his Joker, Ledger should win for it. Aaron Eckhart really stole the show towards the end, with the great Two-face CGI and the split-personality feeling to the character. In general, just great. Go see it, right now (I bet you already have, though)

Overall: 10/10

Top 5 Strangest Scenes of Violence in Movie History

5. Happiness

This is one of those scenes that makes you stare at your screen in shock. It’s one of those amazing “what the fuck” moments that comes along every now and then. Sit back and enjoy this delightfully screwed up scene.

4. Gymkata

Somewhere along the line, some jackass movie executive decided that movies needed more Olympic athletes. Thus, Gymkata was born. Starring a 3 time Olympic gold medalist, Kurt Thomas, Gymkata is only remembered for being absolutely terrible. In this scene, Kurt proceeds to pommel (Get it? Pommel?) half of Yugoslavia to death while performing gymnastics on a convinently place pommel horse. The best comes at 1:29, where Kurt proceeds to literally kick some guy’s ass. Poor Yugoslavians, they never saw it coming.

3. Undefeatable

This clip really speaks for itself, what, with the un-synchronized sounds, enough screeching to make Miley Ray Cyrus embarrassed, and fighting up to par with WWE standards. Come on guys, really. How did this ever make it past the editing stage?

2. Deadfall

Nicolas Cage has had an interesting career. He’s had some great acting in some great movies (See: Con Air, Gone in 60 Seconds ), and terrible acting in some terrible movies (See: Ghost Rider, The Wicker Man). This scene manages to trump every shit movie he’s made with one fight which, ostensibly, involves fake beards, terrible lines, and obviously fake violence. Just watch the clip, there really isn’t a way to describe it.

1. Silent Night, Deadly Night 2

I have a confession to make: I have seen this movie. I own this movie. I haven’t burned my copy yet.The conspicuous lack of blood is the only frightening thing in this whole scene. Definitely the oddest scene in any movie, ever.

Top 5 Best Videogame Hairdos

Top 5 Best Videogame Hairdos

This is my list of the 5 best videogame character hairdos, and by best, I mean worst. These characters’ locks are disturbingly awful and just plain ugly. Let’s check it out.

5. Hayden Tenno (Dark Sector)

Hayden Tenno is a CIA operative with nothing to lose… err, an insensitivity to pain and a really badass arm. Sounds like a really awesome dude, right? There’s just one problem. He’s got some really, really shitty hair. The developers’ attempt at the modern “messy hair” just ends up looking like a bowl cut that went through a wind tunnel. Combine that with Tenno’s wide face and you’ve got a recipe for what looks like a cross between an emo kid and a frat boy. I think somewhere along the line, the developers realized their mistake, and instead of mangling the 3d modeler and tossing him out a window, they had Hayden gain a alien helmet instead. Good job, lazy devs. Generic backstory and stupid hair aside, Dark Sector is a good game, so I would recommend it as the PS3 alternative to Gears of War.

4. Philip Clyde (Army of Two)

Yes, you see that right. Clyde is sporting a Mohawk. Not just any Mohawk though. He’s got a bona-fide fading Mohawk. Not only does he look like one of those douchebags who beat the shit out of you in high school, but he also has the giant Mohawk spike. Let me explain:

REAL MAN’S MOHAWK

See Clyde’s ‘hawk? Not as awesome as Mr. T’s, is it? I think I’m done here.

3. Zack (Dead or Alive)

Screen from movie; I cannot find a game shot

For some reason, Zack had a tendency to look like a cross between Dennis Rodman and Zangief from Street Fighter. His green beard/ Green Mohawk had the effect of Al Gore: Making you laugh uncontrollably. Apparently, the developers purposely based his appearance on Rodman, however, they seemed to have forgotten to include a wedding dress costume. To add further embarrassment, Rodman actually voiced Zack in DoA: Extreme Beach Volleyball. I guess he was vaguely impressed by the effeminate and flashy Zack and decided to become more involved. What follows, no one knows, but hell, maybe that wedding dress will show up someday.

2. Solid Snake (Metal Gear Solid)

The mullet was a big trend in the 80’s. For some reason, Billy Ray Cyrus had enough clout to convince a generation that wearing short hair that fades into a long tail is cool. Cut to the 90’s. The mullet is no longer cool, except in Kentucky and certain Nascar events. Meanwhile, Hideo Kojima is thinking of ways to make his new game’s character, Solid Snake, stand out. I can only imagine that the conversation with himself went something like this:

Kojima: “Damn, Solid Snake needs a defining feature…”

He looks over and quickly spots a Southern gentleman roaring by in his ‘78 Camaro, sporting the Kentucky Waterfall. This is quickly becomes the defining moment for him and he outfits Snake with an ubermullet.

Yes, an ubermullet. Better yet, an übermullet.

Snake may be one of the ultimate gaming badasses, but seriously, where did the mullet come from? Anyone?

1. You (Real Life)

Yes, you, humble gamer. As we all know, pulling all-nighters has an odd effect on your hair. It seems to take a mangy life of it’s own, greasy and nappy. It’s happened to your editor plenty of times before; waking up to a head of Medusa-like snakes. This is only pushed farther in the week of a new release. GTA4, Mass Effect, Halo. I’m sure after each one, the hair of the average gamer looked closer to brown seaweed than it did strands of hair. You pretty much turn from nice looking into this:

You look vaguely like an aged Metallica fan with too much rogain on his head. But then again, maybe it’s just cause it’s John Romero.